My Journey With Michael

Well I thought that I should write about how I feel about Michael, and when I started being a fan of his. Since I was younger my mom and dad have always been big fans of everyone from Michael Jackson, Al Green, Stevie Wonder, Lionel Richie, and James Brown. All my life I have listened to and adored the same music they have listened to. As I grew up, I started listening to Michael more and more, Following him and his music, buying posters, CDs, DVDs, anything "Michael". I fell in love, completely in love with a man 30 years my senior, a man with so much talent, more talent in one finger than most people have in their whole body. I feel in love with the way he moved, the way he sang, the way he talked, the way he cared.

what are your first experiences with Michael?

XOXO
Rachel Roo

Part 1: Rose Fine: Michael's Childhood Tutor

Michael Jackson: It left a terrible scar on me.
Shmuley Boteach: What?
MJ: Turbulence and being up there and thinking you were not going to live.
SB: Remember that story you told me about your Jewish tutor?
MJ: Rose Fine?
SB: You told me once on the phone that she used to say to you that if there was a nun on the plane that everyone was going to die.
MJ: She said, "We're okay, we're sitting on the plan and now we have so much faith. I have checked... there isn't a nun on the plane." I always believed that.
SB: Do you still look out for that nun?
MJ: I think about it! I never see a nun on the plane. She (Rose Fine) helped me out a lot because she held my hand and cuddled me. After the show I would run to the room. She would always say to me, "The door's open," and she would leave her door open.
SB: Is it possible if someone is not a biological parent to love a child as much as you love your own child? Do you love children as much as you love Prince and Paris?
MJ: Absolutely.
SB: I have always noticed one of the most impressive things about you is when I say something like, "Prince and Paris are beautiful," you always say, "No. All children are beautiful." You won't let me get away with just praising Prince and Paris.
MJ: They are to me. I see beauty in all children... they are all beautiful to me. It is so beautiful and I love them all-equally. I used to have arguments about it with people who didn't agree with me. They say you should love your own more.
SB: Rose Fine, although she wasn't your biological mother, was able to show you a lot of motherly affection?
MJ: And boy did I need it. I was never with my mother when I was little, very seldom, and I had a wonderful mother. I see her as an angel, and I was always gone, always on tour doing back-to-back concerts, all over America, overseas, clubs, just always gone. That helped me a lot. We took care of her (Rose Fine) until the day she died, Janet and myself. She just died recently.
SB: Do you think she should be mentioned in the context of our children's initiative?
MJ: Please do. She needs to be remembered.
SB: How old was she?
MJ: She would never tell me her age. I think she was in her nineties. She used to say, "When I retire I will tell you my age." But when she retired she still wouldn't tell me. She was with us all the way from the very first professional tour of The Jackson 5 until I was eighteen. The tour was after we broke big-the first hit single. She would always have the power, like some of the concerts would start late and she would always have the power to stop the show because of the Board of Education would say, "You kids cannot go past your time legally." She would always let it go on. She couldn't hurt the audience.
SB: And then she would teach you during the day?
MJ: Aha.
SB: Regular subjects? Mathematics? English? She taught all five of you together?
MJ: Yes together, three hours. She taught Janet, all of them.
SB: Tell me a bit more about her.
MJ: Yes, Rose died this year. Janet and myself, we paid for her nurse and hospital care, and if her television broke down or the electricity, or there was anything wrong with her house, we would cover her bills. Now her husband is sick so I am taking care of him, and because we felt she is our mother and you take care of your mother.
SB: You rally felt that?
MJ: Absolutely. She was more then a tutor and I was so angry at myself that when she died I was far, far away. I couldn't get there. I was in Switzerland and Evvy (Michael's secretary) called me on the phone and told me that she was dead. I went, "What? I am in Switzerland. I can't..." It made me angry, but I did all I could. It also hurt when I cam to the door to see her and I went, "Mrs. Fine, its Michael," and she would go, "You're not Michael." I would say, "It's Michael." And she would say, "Don't say you are Michael. You are not Michael." That kinda sets into the brain and they don't recognize you. That hurts so much. Growing old is not always pretty. It is sad.
SB: How would a child deal with something like that? You have tried to retain your youth, your playfulness, all the things that we talk about. Do you see it as a curse, growing old?
MJ: In a way, when the body starts to break down. But when old people return to childhood, I have seen them, they become very playful and childlike. I relate very well to old people because they have those qualities of a child. Whenever I go to a hospital I always find a way to sneak into another room to talk to the old people. I just did it two days ago because I was in the hospital and they were so sweet and they just welcome you like a child does. They say, "Come in," and we talk. They are simple and sweet.
SB: So life is almost like a circle. You start as a child and then you go trough this adult phase, which isn't always healthy. There are a lot of negative things about it, and you come back, in elderly age, to that innocence, you become a lot more playful. You have a lot more time they way children have. I guess that's why greandparents get along so well with their grandchildren.
MJ: Old people and children are very much alike. They are carefree and play-free and simple and sweet. It is just a spiritual feeling. I don't visit old people's homes as much as I have the orphanages. A lot of them get Alzheimer's and they don't recognize. But I have a great relationship with older people. I love talking to older people and they can tell you stories about when they were kids and how the world was in those days and I love that. There was an old Jewish man in New York a long time ago who said to me, "Always be thankful for your talent and always give to the poor people. Help other people. When I was a little boy my father said to me, 'We are going to take these clothes and these pieces of bread and we are going to wrap them up and you run down the street and up the stairs and knock on the people's door and place it in font of the door and run!' I said, 'Why did you tell us to run?' He said ,"Because when they open the door I don't want them to feel the shame. They have pride. That is real charity." I have never forgotten that (story of the old man). That's sweet, isn't it? And he did that as a little boy all the time.
SB: So have you tried to do charitable acts that no one knows about?
MJ: Yes, without waving the flag. He (the man Michael is quoting above) is saying real charity is giving from the heart without taking credit, and when he ran they didn't know who had left it. It was like God had dropped it there, you know? It was so beautiful. I never forgot that story. I was around eleven when I was told that. He was old, really sweet, a Jewish man, I remember.
SB: Was she (Rose Fine) a committed Jew? Was she observant of her faith? Or was she more of a secular Jew?
MJ: What does that mean?
SB: Did she refrain from traveling on the Sabbath, did she eat only kosher food, things like that?
MJ: Not that I remember. She taught me a lot about the Jewish way. I don't know if she ate the kosher food, but I always felt so bad for her because her son suffered so badly. He was a doctor who died early and the day he died, I remember how deeply dark and sad she was. He was a wonderful doctor, went to Harvard, and he was tall and handsome. He had some kind of brain tumor. I can't imagine losing your own child like that, let alone losing any child.
SB: Did you find out anything about Judaism from Rose Fine?
MJ: She taught me about the Jewish culture and I will never forget when I was a little kid we landed in Germany, she got real quiet. I said, "What's wrong, Miss Fine?" You know how kids can tell when something is wrong with their mother? She said, "I don't like it." I said, "Why?" She said,"A lot of people suffered here." That's when I first learned about the concentration camps, through her, because I didn't know nothing about it. I'll never forget that feeling. She said she felt cold there, she could feel it. What a sweet person. She taught me the wonderful world of books and reading and I wouldn't be the same person if it wasn't for her. I owe a lot to her and that's why I am dedicating the new album to her.
SB: Do you think she saw you as her son?
MJ: She called me her son. Whenever you go on the plane you see these seven little black kids and a black father, all got big Afros, would stop her and go, "Who are you?" She would say, "I'm the mother." She would say it every time and they would let her go. Sweet story. She was special. I needed her
SB: Did she show you unconditional love?
MJ: Yes.
SB: So you think unconditional love can be shown even by two people who are not related by blood?
MJ: Oh my God, yes, of course. I think I leaned it thought her and I have seen it and I have experienced it. It doesn't matter with blood or race or creed or color. Love is love and it breaks all boundaries and you just see it right away. I see it in children's eyes. When I see children, I see helpless little puppies. They are so sweet. How could anybody hurt them? They are so wonderful.
SB: She died this year so that means you have to deal with grief. Who does a child deal with grief? A child lives in a paradise, a perfect world that we are trying to describe. Adults are later largely corrupted thought their wars and their jealousy and their cynicism, and suddenly along comes death and even a child has to deal with a death. So how do you deal with death? And how does a child deal with death?
MJ: Yes, I have had to deal with death and it is very difficult.



Well that is the End of Part One. I'm going to skip part two and do that last.
I'm going to Part Three:Fame In Adulthood.

Thank you for reading, whoever is reading.
Remember to spread Michael's Message xoxo

<33
Rachel Roo

Part 1: A Painful Blessing: All I Wanted Was to Be Loved

Shmuley Boteach: Has God always answered your prayers?
Michael Jackson: Usually. Absolutely. That's why I believe in it.
SB: Do you feel that he has been with you through some of the difficult things in life?
MJ: There hasn't been one thing that I have asked for that I didn't get. It is not materialistic. I am going to say something I have never said before and this is the truth. I have no reason to lie to you and God knows I am telling the truth. I think all my success and fame, and I have wanted it, I have wanted it because I wanted to be loved. That's all. That's the real truth. I wanted people to love me, truly love me, because I never really felt loved. I said I know I have the ability. Maybe if I sharpened my craft, maybe people will love me more. I just wanted to be loved because I think it is very important to be loved and to tell people that you love them and to look in their eyes and say it.
SB: But the flip side of that, Michael, is that if you were given a huge amount of love as a child, then you might now have worked as hard to be successful.
MJ: That's true. That's why I wouldn't want to change anything because it has all worked out in its many different ways.
SB: So you were able to tun the neglect into a blessing?
MJ: Yeah.
SB: I remember a quote from Paul McCartney, who was asked about you when you became a big star. Someone said, "Michael Jackson, is he going to be like these other rock stars-God forbid, dead at thirty and drugs?" And McCartney said, "No. Michael, his whole character is different. He doesn't swear, he doesn't drink." He said this about fifteen years ago. Di you know that about yourself, that you had a character that, if it continued like that, wasn't going to be destroyed by fame and success?
MJ: Yeah. I have always been kinda determined. I have always had a vision of things I have wanted to do and goals I have wanted to reach and nothing could stop me getting that. I am focused and I know what I want and what I want to achieve and I won't get sidetracked. And even though I get down sometimes, I keep running the race of endurance to achieve those goals. It keeps me on track. I am dedicated.
SB: If you are completely happy with who you are, what about... you said you wouldn't have done anything differently because you know that whatever experiences you had in your childhood led to who you are today, your success. So you wouldn't do anything differently?
MJ: no. I am so sensitive to other kids because of my past and I am so happy about that.



I think I'm going to take a break tomorrow. I would really like to just free write so that I can get some stuff out of my system. It's really hard, harder than you may think to just copy this stuff down and not put your own perspective on it. It's even more hard to read the commentary from the Rabbi as I'm writing because some of it is BULL! Other things may be beneficiary to know.. I mean some of the conversations might make a little more sense but I'm not putting any of it in because most of it is BULL! Trust me.

Well thanks for reading whoever is reading.
Remember to spread Michael's Messages
XOXO
Rachel Roo

Part 1: Protective of Janet

Shmuley Boteach: Let me just share one though. You said your father would humiliate you when you were in concert and he would make you cry and push you out on stage in front of all the girls who loved you.. to do what? To show his power over you?
Michael Jackson: Well, um, no. He wouldn't do it on the stage. Like after the show, there's be the room full of girls. He would love to bring the girls in the room, my father. And after the show we'd have something to eat, or whatever, and the room would be just lined with girls giggling, just loving us, like "oh my god!" and shaking. And if I was talking and something happened and he didn't like it, he's get this look in his eye like... he'd get this look in his eye that would just scare you to death. He slapped me so hard in the face, as hard as he could, and then he's thrust me out into the big room, where they are, tears running down my face, and what are you suppose to do, you know?
SB: And how old where you now?
(Prince in the background, "We're three!"...laughing)
MJ: Uh, no more like, twelve...eleven, something around there.
SB: So these were the first moments that you felt shame in your life? Really humiliated?
MJ: No, there were other ones. He did some rough, cruel...cruel... I don't know why. He was rough. The way he would beat you was hard, you know? He would make you strip nude first. He would oil you down. It would be a whole ritual. He would oil you down so when the tip of the ironing cord hit you (makes noise mimicking), you know... and it would be like dying and you had whips all over your face, your back, everywhere. And I always heard my mother like, "No, Joe! You're going to kill 'em. You're gonna kill 'em, no!" And I would just give up, like there was nothing I could do. And I hated him for it, hated him. We all did. We used to say to our mother, we used to say to each other, and I'll never forget this. Janet and myself would say, we used to say.. I used to say, "Janet, shut your eyes." She'd go, "Okay, they're shut." And I'd say, "Picture Joseph in a coffin. He's dead. Did you feel sorry?" She'd go, "No." Just like that. That's what we used to do to each other as kids. We would like play games like that. And that's how hateful we were. I'd go, "He's in a coffin, he's dead. Would you feel sorry?" She'd go "Nope," just like that. That's how angry we were with him. And I love him today, but he was hard, Shmuley. He was rough.
SB: But did you know that that was part of being corrupted as a child when you start feeling that way-hatred? Did you know, "I gotta get rid of this somehow. I gotta do something about this"?
MJ: Yeah, I wanted to become such a wonderful performer that I would get love back.
SB: So you could change him, you though. If you...so you thought that if you became a great star, very successful, and were loved by the world, and where very successful, you father would love you too.
MJ: Aha.
SB: So you could change him that way.
MJ: Aha. I was hoping I could and I was hoping I could get love from other people, 'cause I needed it real bad, you know? You need love, you need love. That's the most important thing. That's why I feel bad for those kids who sit in those orphanages and hospitals and they're all alone and they tie them to the beds-they tie them because they don't have enough staff. I go, "Are you crazy?" And I go to each bed just freeing them, releasing them. I say, "This isn't a way to do children. You don't tie them down." Or they have them chained to the walls in some places, like Romania. And they have them sleep in there own feces and their tinkle.
SB: Do you identify more with people like that 'cause you're also that sensitive?
MJ: Yeah, I always hold Mushki (The Rabbi's eldest daughter who was about 12 at the time) the most 'cause I feel her pain. She is in so much pain. When Janet when through her fat stage she cried a lot, my sister Janet. She decided to lose it all, "I'm gonna lose this," and she did it. She used to be very unhappy.
SB: Are you protective of her as a younger sister?
MJ: Yeah, I was determined to make her lose the weight. I was bad. I would tease her to make her lose it. I didn't like it on her. I didn't like it because I knew she would have a hard time.
SB: How did you get her to do something about it?
MJ: I said you have to lose weight 'cause you look like a fat cow. I would tell her that and that was mean of me to say that. She would say, "Shut up," and I'd say "You shut up." But I was determined to make my sister took good because deep in my heart I love her and I want to make her shine and when she became a star on, you know... records, I was so happy and proud because, you know, she did it.
SB: Are you still protective of her as a younger sister?
MJ: Yes, yes... I just wish that we were closer. We're close in spirit but not as a family. Because we don't celebrate, , we have to reason to come together now. I wish that was instilled in us. I love what I saw you guys do, that blessing thing that touches my heart a lot. I see why you're so close to them, it's sweet.



I'm only posting one more section tonight because I'm tired. I will be posting, "A Painful Blessing: All I Wanted Was to Be Loved"

Thank you for reading, whoever is reading.
Remember to pass on Michael's Message L.O.V.E

XOXO
Rachel Roo

Part 1: Michael's Fear of His Father

Shmuley Boteach: You know Michael, I used to judge my father a lot and one day I stopped judging him because he had his own challenges. He has had a very difficult life that began in abject poverty in Iran. And it wasn't easy for Jews growing up in Iran. Who knows what his childhood was like? Do you still judge your father?
Michael Jackson: I used to. I used to get so angry at him. I would just go in my room and just scream out of anger because I didn't understand how a person could be so vicious and mean. Like sometimes I would be in bed sleeping, it would be 12 o'clock at night. I would have recorded all day, been singing all day, no fun, no play. He comes home late. "Open the door." The door is locked. He said, "Why didn't you sign the contract?" I go, "I don't know." He goes, "Well, sign it. If you don't sign it you are in trouble." It's like, "Oh my God, why?" Where is the love? Where is the fatherhood?" I go, "Is it really this way?" He would throw you and hit you as hard as he can. He was very physical.
SB: Did you begin to feel that you were a moneymaking machine for him?
MJ: Yes, absolutely.
SB: Just like Macaulay Culkin described? So you felt used?
MJ: Yes. And one day-I hate to repeat it- but one day he said, and God bless my father because he did some wonderful things and he was brilliant, he was a genius, but one day he said, "If you guys ever stop singing I will drop you like a hot potato." I hurt me. You would think he would think that would hurt us? If I said something like that to Prince and Paris that would hurt. You don't say something like that to children and I never forgot it. It affects my relationship with him today.
SB: So that if you didn't perform for him he would stop loving you?
MJ: He would drop us like a hot potato. That's what he said.
SB: Did your mother always run over and say, " Don't listen to him. He doesn't mean it."?
MJ: She was always the one in the background when he would lose his temper-hitting us and beating us. I hear it now. (Adopts female voice.) "Joe, no, you are going to kill them. No! No, Joe, it's to much," and he would be breaking furniture and it was terrible. I always said if I ever have kids I will never behave like this way. I won't touch a hair on their heads. Because people always say the abused abuse and its not true. Its not true. I am totally the opposite. The worst I do is I make them stand in the corner for a little bit and that's it and that's my time out for them.
SB: I think you are right. I hate when I hear things like the abused abuse. It means that you are condemned to be a bad person.
MJ: It's not true. I always promised in my hear that I would never be this way, never. If-and it can be in a movie or in a department store-I hear someone arguing with their child, I break down and cry. Because it reflects how I was treated when I was little. I break down at that moment and I shake and cry. I can't take it. Its hard.
SB: When my parents divorced, we moved away and my father lived 3,500 miles away from us. And it was difficult to be close to him. But I love him, and I try never to judge him, and I have made a great effort to be much, much closer to him. We have to take seriously the Bible's commandment to always honor our parents. The Bible doesn't say, "Honor them if they've earned it." It simply commands us to honor them. Just by virtue of them having given us life they have earned it.
MJ: I am scared of my father to this day. My father walked in the room-and God knows I am telling the truth-I have fainted in his presence many times. I have fainted once to be honest. I have thrown up in his presence because when he comes in the room and this aura comes and my stomach starts hurting and I know I am in trouble. He is so different now. Time and age has changed him and he sees his grandchildren and he wants to be a better father. It is almost like the ship has sailed its course and it is so hard for me to accept this other guy that is not the guy I was raised with. I just wished he had learned that earlier.
SB: So why are you still scared?
MJ: Because the scar is still there, the wound.
SB: So you still see him as the first man. It is hard for you to see him as this new man?
MJ: I can't see him as the new man. I am like an angel in front of him, like scared. One day he said to me, "Why are you scared of me?" I couldn't answer him. I felt like saying,"Do you know what you have done?" (voice breaks) "Do you know what you have done to me?"
SB: It is so important for me to hear this. Because as your friend and as someone who is asked constantly about you, it is so important for me to understand these things. It is so important for the world to understand this. You see Michael, no one would have judged you as harshly if they had heard this. They would have made more of an effort to empathize with your own suffering rather then just condemning you. Do you call him Dad or Joseph.
MJ: We weren't allowed to call him Dad when we were growing up. He said, "Don't call me Dad. I am Joseph." That what he told us. But now he wants to be called Dad. It is hard for me. I can't call him Dad. He would make it a point: "Don't call me Dad. I am Joseph." I love when Prince and Paris call me "Daddy", or when you hear little Italian kids call "Papa", or Jewish kids call "Poppy." Sweet, how you not be proud of that? That's your offspring.
SB: From what age did he tell you not to call him Dad?
MJ: From a little kid all the way up to Off the wall, Thriller.
SB: He felt he was more professional that way?
MJ: No. He felt that he was this young stud. He was too cool to be dad. He was Joseph. I would hate him to hear me say this....
SB: I read somewhere that your mother was thinking of getting divorced and she filed or something.
MJ: I don't know if she filed, maybe. No, no, she didn't file. She wanted to, many times, because of other women and because he was difficult. But in the name of religion she only can divorce on the grounds of fornication. And he has been in that area before and she knows it. But she is such a saint that she won't part with him. She knows he is out doing other things and fooling around and she is so good and he will come home and lay next to her in the bed. I don't know anyone like her. She is like Mother Teresa. There are very few people like that.
SB: So she is a long-suffering, saintly kind of woman. Do you feel that she has suffered too long? That she shouldn't have put up with it?
MJ: We used to beg her to divorce him. We used to say, "Mother, divorce him." She used to say, "Leave me alone, No!" We used to say, "Get rid of him." We used to scream it at her, "Divorce him" when we were little. But many years we'd hear the car coming down the drive. He always drove his big Mercedes and he drives real slow. "Joseph's home, quick!" Everybody runs to their room, doors slam.
SB: You were that scared of him?
MJ: Yeah. I always said, "When I come home and walk through the door I want the kids to go "Daddy," and jump all over me and that's what mine do. I want just the opposite. I don't want them to run.



Tomorrow I will post three more sections... well later today since it is 12:55AM. Anyway, tomorrow I will post "Protective of Janet", "A Painful Blessing: All I Wanted Was to Be Loved", and "Rose Fine: Michael's Childhood Tutor". Then I will start with a new part of the book.

Thank you for reading, whoever is reading.
Remember, spread Michael's message.. L.O.V.E.

XOXO
Rachel Roo

p.s. in a while I'm going to make this blog viewable to only blog users. You do not need to write in it, but you do have to sign up at the website.
<3

Part 1: Michael's Appearance: An Ugly Man in the Mirror

First I would like to say that, Michael was a cutie no matter how he looked. XOXO - Rachel Roo

Shmuley Boteach: You have to live a long happy life. But do you really think that one day you will decide to become a recluse and disappear?
Michael Jackson: Yeah.
SB: Live in Neverland and lock up the gates. Will that be it?
MJ: Yeah. I know I am.
SB: But why? Because you don't want people to see you growing old?
MJ: I can't deal with it. I love beautiful things too much and the beautiful things in nature and I want my messages to get out to the world, but I don't want to be seen now... like when my picture came up on the computer, it made me sick when i saw it.
SB: Why?
MJ: Because I am like a lizard. It is horrible. I never like it. I wish I could never be photographed or seen and I push myself to go to the things that we go to. I really do.
SB: Micheal, some people have written that your father used to say that you were ugly. Is that true?
MJ: Uh-huh. He used to make fun of... I remember we were on a plane one time, ready to take off, and I was going through an awkward puberty when your features start to change. And he went. "Ugh, you have a big nose. You didn't get if from me." He didn't realize how much that hurt me. It hurt me so bad, I wanted to die.
SB: Was that a hostile remark aimed at your mother, "You didn't get it from me?"
MJ: I don't know what he was trying to say.
SB: Do you think its important to tell children they are beautiful?
MJ: Yes, but not to overdo it. You are beautiful inside. Do it that way. Price looks in the mirror as he's combing his hair and he says, "I look good." I say, "You look okay."
SB: Don't you think your father instilled in you a belief that you are not handsome? So you tried to change your appearance a bit, and you still are not happy. So really you have to begin to love your appearance and yourself and all of that.
MJ: I know, I wish I could.
SB: We all have problems with our appearance. Look, I have this scraggly beard. When I do TV appearances, the people I work with always tell me to cut it, to trim it. But my religion doesn't let me cut my beard, and it gets long.
MJ: Would you like to cut your beard?
SB: Yes, to be honest I would. Not completely. Just trim it. But God and my religion are more important to me than looks and appearances.
MJ: You are not allowed to?
SB: Essentially, no. I roll it up here. A lot of rabbis cut their beards and some don't...
MJ: When they cut theirs, is that against the rules?
SB: The rules are interpreted differently by different rabbis. The Bible says you can't use a knife on your face. So some people take that to mean, literally, a knife. So those are the people who cut their beard with an electric shaver but not with a razor, a naked blade. To others the meaning of the verse is any kind of sharp object that cuts the beard. But my wife, Debbie, says, " I didn't marry a man who is going to try and conform to society. I married a man I wanted to respect and you are a rabbi. Be proud of who you are."
MJ: She doesn't mind the beard?
SB: Not only doesn't she mind, she would be very upset if I cut it at all. She said to me just this morning, "If you really love and respect me you would never say that because it bothers me that you want to trim your looks to fit in more." My wife wants me to live always by my principles.
MJ: That's amazing.
SB: The other night, Thursday night, you looked fantastic. (Michael had gotten all dressed up for Denise Rich's Angel Ball cancer fundraiser). You were the best-looking guy there. So you don't like being photographed?
MJ: I wish I could never be photographed and I wish I could never be seen. Just for entertainment so I design the dance the way I want it to look, and the film the way I want it to look.
SB: Now you want to do movies?
MJ: I love movies, but I can control it, you see. I can't control how those pictures come out with the lighting and my expression at the time. Arggh.
SB: If a child said to you, "I hate being photographed," what would you say to that child?
MJ: I would say, "You don't know how beautiful you are. It's your spirit that's..."
SB: So why are you prepared to say that to everybody except yourself?
MJ: I don't know.
(He said this in a voice of confusion and resignation.)
SB: You see from your fans that tons of women are throwing themselves at you. So that must mean that you are handsome and desirable. You feel all the time that they want to fall in love with you?
MJ: When I think about it-I wouldn't say this on TV- but if I went on the stage thinking about what goes through women's heads, I would never go out on stage. If I was suddenly to start thinking about what they were thinking about... sex, or what I look like naked, then, oh God, that would be so embarrassing. I could never go out. That's so horrible.
SB: A lot of people like being a sex symbol. You don't like it because you are shy about it. Do you know when some women speak to you that its on their mind?
MJ: Umhum. They tell me.
SB: I want to have sex with you?
MJ: Aha.


Again, Thank you for reading, whoever is reading. I'm going to post the next section of Part One, "Michael's Fear of His Father" right after I'm done with this one.

Don't forget to Spread Michael's Message.

XOXO
Rachel Roo

Part 1: The Father-Manager

Shmuley Boteach: What if someone were to say, "Michael. Look. So you disagree with the way your father raised you. He was a strict disciplinarian. He could be tough and even mean. But his methods worked," And even you, now, you say that professional success is not what primarily matters, and I would agree with you. But you were the one, in one of our first conversations, that said, "I owe my father a lot. He taught me how to move and how to dance." And being a big star, you've repeatedly said, is very important to you. So what if someone said, "You're wrong and he's right. He made you what you are today. So how dare you be so ungrateful?" Especially, Michael, since he grew up in such poverty and wanted to save you from his fate of working in the steel mills. He thought,"Better Michael practice and rehearse as a kid, rather then play on the monkey bars, because at least this will give him a good income later and he can live a life of dignity."
Michael Jackson: He did a brilliant job with training me for the stage as an artist, but (as a) father he was very, very strict. I hate to judge him, but I would have done things a lot different as a father. I never felt love from him. I remember being on the airplane and they used to have to carry me on the plane because I hated turbulence and I would be screaming and kicking because we would take off in storms. I remember it very clearly. He would never hold me or touch me and the stewardesses would have to come and hold my hand and caress me.
SB: Was he an angry man?
MJ: I think he was bitter. I don't know why. Man, he is not like that anymore, but he was tough. The toughest person I ever met.
SB: What if someone said to you, "Look Michael. You can't have it both ways. He was a great manager but not a warm and affectionate parent. He taught you how to move and he taught you discipline." Are you going to say that you would be prepared to give up being the biggest recording star in order to have had a loving childhood? Or do you feel the choice is not necessary, that you could have been who you are without.
MJ: He could have done all the other things with me and had time to be a father sometime-play a game or catch a ball. I remember I told you the one time he put me on a pony. I don't think he even realized how that is marked in my brain forever.
SB: That was one of the most moving stories about fatherhood that I have heard. That a single gesture on the part of a father to a son could make such an indelible mark is astonishing and very moving.
MJ: I think about it today and wish he had done a little more, just a little more. To this day I would have felt totally different about it.
SB: And maybe you wouldn't have been as eager to prove yourself. If you were a lot of love as a child, maybe you wouldn't need the world to love you and you wouldn't be the superstar. Would you be prepared to give it up in order to be more loved as a child?
MJ: No, I would never give it up. That's my job. I was given this for a reason. I really believe it and feel it...
SB:... that God has chosen you, given you this special...
MJ: I really believe that. If you could see some of the faces around the world and people say, "Thank you, thank you for saving the life of me and my children. Can I touch you?" and then they start crying. It's like healing. We are given this for a reason... to help people.
SB: So what Shirley Temple did for you with those posters (that you could put up in your hotel rooms to feel safe), you are doing for people around the world and to a much bigger extent.
MJ: Oh yeaaah. Oh yeaaah. That's it and I just want to say, "Thank you" (to Shirley Temple Black for inspiring Michael in his low moments) and I started to cry so badly that I just couldn't get words out and she touched my hand and rubbed it like that.
SB: Michael, when you say to her that you didn't know if you could continue, and then you had a look at the posters of her movies when she was a kid, what was going to defeat you? What was it? The mean-spiritedness that people were showing? The fact that you always had to work to keep up to be the best? All those things?
MJ: Working hard, not having a chance to stop and play and have a lot of fun. We got a little bit in the hotels with pillow fights between me and my brothers and stuff like that and trowing stuff out the window. But really we hurt a lot. I remember we were on our way to South America and I was at home and it was time to go and I started crying so bad that I hid. I did not want to go and I said, "I just want to be like everyone else. I just want to be normal." And my father found me and made me get in the car and go, because we had to do a (concert) date. Then you meet people on the road, somebody on your floor, could be family, and you know that you have to have as much fun as you can in a short time because you are not going to see them again and that hurts. You know that the friendship won't be a long one. That kind of stuff really hurts bad, especially when you are a little kid.
SB: Your whole life you have had to put your career before your nurturing relationships. So do you have something nurturing in your life today? A car can't run without gas, and you can't continue without love being given to you. You can't just give love and never get it back. And to say you get it from the fans is not enough, Michael, because they love you for what you do and not for who you are. They love you for the electricity and excitement you bring into their lives.
MJ: I get ti back though the happiness and the joy that I see in eyes of the children. They saved my life so I want to... give it back (Michael starts crying). They saved me. I am not joking. Just being with them, just seeing them. It really has.
SB: When you grew up, did you feel promises were broken to you?
MJ: My father broke a big one that I'm angry with to this very day. He cajoled me into signing a contract with Columbia when I was eighteen with the promise that I'd get to have dinner with Fred Astaire. My father knew that I loved Fred with all my heart. He know I would sign without even reading the contract, and he walked away happy and he never did anything about it. He'd say he was sorry or whatever. It broke my heart that he did that. He tricked me.
SB: Did you ever tell him how upset you were?
MJ: No. He doesn't know to his day how much he hurt me. That's why I won't make promises I can't keep.


That is the end of that section. Yesterday I said that I would be doing two sections today. I have looked over Part One of the book, and I've decided that I'm going to do 2 more sections today. I will be doing " Michael's Appearance: An Ugly Man in the Mirror right after I get done with this. And right after I will do the next section, "Michael's Fear of His Father". Tomorrow I will do the last 3 sections of Part One.

Again, Thanks for reading, whoever is reading.
Remember to spread Michael's Message
XOXO
Rachel Roo